To celebrate my feature over at HeyMama I thought I would share a little something I wrote last year. One of my favorite quotes. And a little something about the year of 2016 for us.
“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love, or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart was bared, beating forever outside its chest.” (-Debra Ginsberg) I often have these deep pains in my heart as I watch my babies grow. Witnessing their first moments. Experiencing new discoveries. Adventuring along beside them. When I step back and really soak it in, that is when it really hits. My heart drops and I can feel shivers. Want an intense form of love.
This last last year was a big change for us. Perry was off to kindergarten as a fresh 5 year old. Carrying his tattered blankets in hand. Taking a deep whiff from his blankets before we walked hand in hand to front door. I remember worrying that the littleness in him would fade.
We are half way through the year. I still feel pains as I send him off to school. On mornings where we are butting heads and voices are raised. I feel like a terrible mom as we drive to school. Telling him, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. (Fearing that I’ve ruined his day.) He takes his seatbelt off and climbs to the front to give me a hug and says its okay. I tell him he’s wonderful. And off he goes. That’s when it hits me like a ton of bricks. That pain. Guilt. Pride. Love. My heart beating outside my body in the form of a beautiful 5 year old boy.
People often ask, “How do you do it?” My first response, “I laugh, I cry, coffee then beer?” But how does any mom do it? Super powers and an unmeasurable amount of love. What else could it be?!
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. Thank you HeyMama!